Deep in the bowels of an extinct volcano, the glorious father of the Korean nation Kim Jong Il sits watching a selection of his world famous collection of Daffy Duck cartoons. Surrounded by his elite female “pleasure squad” unit, he sips his Hennessy V.S.O.P, wondering whether he should order a fluffy white cat to stroke, and muses if Castro has returned his copy of The Godfather.
His magnificent thoughts are interrupted by a goosestepping officer entering the room, and a sharp click of heels on the marble floor.
“Glorious leader, we have a problem”
“What?” Kim Jong Il mentally notes down the name of the officer for execution, problems in North Korea? As if.
“We have a surplus of radioactive materials, which we need to dispose of. It is only low-grade and of no use to our weapons programme, but it is becoming a storage problem. “
Only the other day Kim Jong Il had heard of a large consignment of gloss paint produced by a forced labour camp near the Chinese border. For months the camp had produced revolutionary red, only to find it was not of the exact shade required by the state. Kim Jong Il was inspired.
“Put the waste in the surplus paint we have”
“Yes glorious leader. Only a leader of high intellect and courage could formulate such a wonderful idea. What shall we do with this mixture then”
“It will be the latest in medical treatments, I dictate it to be so. We shall paint this on our sick, in our hospitals and bathing houses. We will lead the world in high-tech radioactive medicine. Now leave me to my revolutionary work. “
A click of the heels later, the officer turns and leaves. The theme tune of Looney Tunes fills the room as he leaves.
Long-Wave Infrared Ray Radiation Paint Developed
Pyongyang, January 7 (KCNA) — The Building-materials Institute under the Paektusan Architectural Center of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea has succeeded in developing long-wave infrared ray radiation paint efficacious for the treatment of diseases. In an interview with KCNA, director of the institute Ri Tok Ho said the clinical test proves that the paint, made of natural mineral powder and various nontoxic substances abundant in the country, gives no harmful effect to the human body.
It is good for the recovery from fatigue, treatment of diseases and saving of heat energy. It can be coated on concrete wall, wood, iron sheets and stone materials including interior walls of steam bathhouse, physical treatment room and drying room and the floor for heating.
The solid membrane of the painting, with porous sponge structure, absorbs and kills germs and removes various bad smell, thus keeping steam bathhouses hygienic.
The serviceable life of the painting is five years at minimum. The wave band of long-wave infrared ray radiated by the painting is 8-12 micrometers and its radiation rate is 93-95 percent.
The long-wave infrared rays help the sauna bathers perspire without feeling heart suffocation and breathing trouble even under the temperature above 100 degrees centigrade. It, therefore, is potent for the cure of heart diseases, neuralgia, skin disorders, circulatory sicknesses, women’s troubles such as postpartum diseases, sterility and disorders of menstruation, waist pains, bone fracture and other diseases.
Its production cost is very low as it is simple to make.
The West has had its own unfortunate attempts at using Radium as a quack cure., but nice to see that North Korea has finally caught up with 1920s America…
Byers was the founder of the A.M. Byers Company, one of the world’s largest steel companies. In 1928, the Pittsburgh industrialist and one-time U.S. amateur golf champion (1906) injured himself on a party train following a Harvard-Yale football game. At the recommendation of his doctor, he began drinking Radithor, and he continued to do so long after the injury healed – he averaged three bottles a day for two years. Byers stopped consuming Radithor in 1930 when his teeth started falling out and holes appeared in his skull. Perhaps more than anything else, his death in 1932 alerted the public, and much of the medical profession, of the harmful effects of “mild” radium therapy.